ObituariesBertram Holloway, Retired Permit Inspector, 77Spent forty-one years reviewing municipal variance applications; died after becoming entangled in a banner.By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026
ObituariesHerbert 'Herby Feta' Feta, Jazz Pianist, 96He recorded prolifically for seven decades. One person noticed.By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026
ObituariesJames McHenry, Carpenter, 58, Died While Being Hunted For Sport By Peter ThielDied Thursday after being pursued on foot across the northern headlands by Peter Thiel; survived by his wife, two children, and an unfinished deck.By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 9, 2026
ObituariesDominic Farrell, 19, College Sophomore Dead After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter ThielA University of New Newmanton student is survived by his parents, a younger sister, and an unfinished paper on coastal erosionBy Margaret Huang · Mar 8, 2026
ObituariesUnhoused Man, Elroy Finch, 53, Dead After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter ThielA resident of New Newmanton for eleven yearsBy Philippa Trask · Mar 8, 2026
ObituariesTheodore 'Ted' Wambolt, 46, Claims Adjuster Dies After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter ThielDescribed by colleagues as thorough, punctual, and difficult to track through dense underbrushBy Philippa Trask · Mar 8, 2026
ObituariesCapitalism, 250, Dies After Decades-Long Battle With Neoliberal PolicySurvived by shareholder value, a 7-tier agility lattice, and approximately 400 lobbyistsBy Margaret Huang · Mar 8, 2026
WeddingsFendrick-Oliaro Wedding Announced in Newspaper, No One CaresTwo adults, possessed of middling credentials and complete conviction of their own significance, have wed; the newspaper has been informedBy Claire Beaulieu · Mar 8, 2026
DivorcesDivorce Finalized at Third Street Sinkhole in Ceremony Attended by Thousands of Live ViewersInfluencers Cass Teller-Vaux and Brody Vaux, each verified, dissolve three-year union at the edge of New Newmanton's most-followed landmarkBy Claire Beaulieu · Mar 8, 2026
NewsTNNN Staff Appear 16,847 Times in Epstein Documents, Records ShowTopics logged include catering coordination, fitness guidance, and repeated requests for advice on the sexual abuse of childrenBy Claire Beaulieu · Mar 4, 2026
WeddingsDeluca-Firth Wedding Held at Newton's Fig, No One CaresBoth parties are employed; officiant holds a certificateBy Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026
LocalGnu Public Library Reduced to One Book, One Chair, and a Man Named Gerald Who May or May Not Be StaffBudget reductions spanning eleven consecutive years have left the commonwealth's flagship branch 'fully operational,' per the Department of Cultural ServicesBy Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026
LocalFrom the Archive: 'Infrastructure Restored; Newton Missing, Presumed Eaten' — New Newton Courier, March 14, 1947Republished in full on the occasion of the 78th anniversary of the island's transition from libertarian experiment to functional commonwealthBy Margaret Huang · Mar 19, 2026