The New Newmanton News

Cole Diggins photographed in the TNNN business annex on Thursday, approximately forty minutes before he stopped answering follow-up questions.

Ask the Futurist: Cole Diggins Answers Your Questions About Tomorrow

Our resident technology columnist returns for a third season of forward-thinking Q&A; readers ask about gadgets, productivity, and the burning structure on 4th Street

Editor's note: Dr. Cole Diggins is a computer scientist, futurist, and three-time recipient of the New Newmanton Chamber of Commerce's "Visionary of the Year" award. His column runs monthly. Questions have been lightly edited for length. We're thrilled to have him back — last season's mailbag was our most-shared feature, and Cole assures us he is feeling much better.

By Margaret Huang

A SafeFirst Dynamics Pizza Guy Murderbot™ unit poses outside a newly enrolled Westmire District home, insulated bag in hand, optical targeting array set to a warm amber standby glow.

Sponsored

SafeFirst Dynamics' New Pizza Guy Murderbot Means You'll Never Worry About Dinner Again

The armed intruder at your door doesn't stand a chance — but neither do you, and that's the whole point

Paid Partnership with SafeFirst Dynamics · Jul 1, 2026

Dr. Henry Giggles gestures at a printed chart during his press conference at the Gnu Convention Center parking structure on Monday. The chart depicted a traditional nuclear family.

News

Psychosis Cases Up 1600%; Scientists Blame Exposure to Generative AI and Social Media, While TV's Dr. Henry Giggles Points to the Home

Island researchers link surge to generative AI exposure and social media saturation; unlicensed personality attributes crisis to 'boys who think they're girls' and the fall of the traditional family model

By James Okonkwo · Jun 19, 2026

A Civic Research Consortium canvasser completes a survey with a resident on Halcyon Street on a Tuesday afternoon.

News

Poll Finds 70% of Residents Harbor Negative Feelings Toward Unnamed Group

Respondents expressed dislike, strong dislike, or hate for a minority not disclosed to them; 18% asked follow-up questions

By James Okonkwo · Jun 15, 2026

Two Gnu Police Detectives Attempting to Decipher the Motive and Relationship to Flags of the 'Flag Day Killer'. The killer struck for the fifth time on Tuesday, marking the fifth consecutive non-Flag Day killing thus far.

Local

Flag Day Killer Strikes for Fifth Time; Commission Unable to Identify Motive, Theme, or Relation to Flags

Public Safety Commission advises residents to avoid 'flags or anything flag-shaped' following incident investigators describe as 'not inconsistent with prior incidents'

By Claire Beaulieu · Jun 11, 2026

News

Terrance Gluth presents the manifesto at a press conference in the TNNN lobby on Tuesday. No lectern was available; he held the document with both hands.

News

TNNN to Publish Gluth Manifesto in Full; Editors Cite His Net Worth as Primary Credential

The 67-page document, which covers mNRA vaccines, transgender women in lacrosse, and what the author terms 'chronic vaccine treatment,' was authored by a man whose only formal credential is an MBA in Real Estate

By Margaret Huang · Jun 9, 2026

News

Is AI Finally Coming for Your Job? An Update on Our Prior Coverage of Whether AI Is Finally Coming for Your Job

This is the 1,827th consecutive day The New Newmanton News has run a version of this article. Analysts say the answer may be different this time.

By Margaret Huang · May 23, 2026

News

Study Finds Centrist Punditry Effective at Eliminating Patient Belief in Systemic Change

Claire Beaulieu

Local

Deputy Director of Public Works Henley Ostrander points to a curb cut on Harbor Avenue on Tuesday during a site assessment conducted for the press.

Local

Gnu Approves $6 Million to Fill City's Curb Cuts, Citing Aesthetic Concerns and Pedestrian Phone Use

Project will eliminate all 1,847 accessible ramp installations completed between 1994 and 2022; city calls the work 'a long time coming'

By Claire Beaulieu · Jun 9, 2026

A Gnu Police Department evidence van parked outside the Westhaven farmhouse on Thursday afternoon. A second van arrived approximately one hour later.

Local

Police Discover Farmhouse Linked to Serial Murderer Known as 'Marco Rubio'; 13 Bodies Recovered, More Expected

Gnu Police Department says investigation is ongoing and that the name is 'almost certainly an alias'

By Margaret Huang · Jun 9, 2026

Rat Coalition firefighters fold the Alderman Street safety trampoline following Tuesday's rescue. The trampoline was re-certified in March.

Local

Rat Coalition Firefighters Catch Gnu Woman in Trampoline After City Eliminates Last Human Position in April

Woman sustained minor smoke inhalation; rats described the rescue as 'standard protocol'

By James Okonkwo · Jun 8, 2026

Business

Sponsored

Just Spiders Is Still Open, Still Selling, and Would Like to Clarify a Few Things

New Newmanton's premier arachnid wholesaler addresses recent community questions and announces a limited-time discount on select Australian inventory

Paid Partnership with Just Spiders · Jun 8, 2026

Sponsored

The Name Wasn't an Accident. You Were the Experiment.

Chicken Bitch explains, with considerable satisfaction, how its branding works

Paid Partnership with Chicken Bitch · Jun 8, 2026

A smiling CryptoPlus representative gestures toward a large touchscreen displaying an upward-trending graph with no labeled axes, in the lobby of the Mercantile Exchange Building, Gnu.

Sponsored

CryptoPlus: Your Wealth Is Real, And We Have Chosen to Leave It There

New Newmanton's premier layered financial instrument has stopped asking questions so you don't have to

Paid Partnership with CryptoPlus · Jun 7, 2026

God once again starting His day doomscrolling.

Sponsored

The Lord: Still Here, Still Not Clarifying

Five thousand years of original guidance, zero amendments, and a compliance rate we prefer not to discuss

Paid Partnership with The Lord · Jun 5, 2026

Weddings

Patricia Deluca and Owen Firth at their reception at Newton's Fig on Saturday evening, standing in front of the mural.

Weddings

Deluca-Firth Wedding Held at Newton's Fig, No One Cares

Both parties are employed; officiant holds a certificate

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026

Brittany Oliaro and Todd Fendrick at the Gnu Botanical Conservatory on Saturday, having determined that this was information the public required.

Weddings

Fendrick-Oliaro Wedding Announced in Newspaper, No One Cares

Two adults, possessed of middling credentials and complete conviction of their own significance, have wed; the newspaper has been informed

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 8, 2026

Obituaries

Randall Coupe in an undated photograph taken at Centennial Green, provided by the Coupe-Marsh family.

Obituaries

Randall Coupe, Groundskeeper, 54, Dead After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter Thiel

Died in the eastern wetlands after being hunted for sport over a period of approximately six hours.

By Claire Beaulieu · May 14, 2026

Herbert 'Herby Feta' Feta in an undated photograph provided by Steve Fairway, who described it as the only photograph of Mr. Feta in circulation.

Obituaries

Herbert 'Herby Feta' Feta, Jazz Pianist, 96

He recorded prolifically for seven decades. One person noticed.

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026

Obituaries

James McHenry, Carpenter, 58, Died While Being Hunted For Sport By Peter Thiel

Claire Beaulieu

Three stories. Every Monday.

The week's reporting from New Newmanton, in a single email.

The New Newmanton News

Ask the Futurist: Cole Diggins Answers Your Questions About Tomorrow

SafeFirst Dynamics' New Pizza Guy Murderbot Means You'll Never Worry About Dinner Again

Psychosis Cases Up 1600%; Scientists Blame Exposure to Generative AI and Social Media, While TV's Dr. Henry Giggles Points to the Home

Poll Finds 70% of Residents Harbor Negative Feelings Toward Unnamed Group

Flag Day Killer Strikes for Fifth Time; Commission Unable to Identify Motive, Theme, or Relation to Flags

TNNN to Publish Gluth Manifesto in Full; Editors Cite His Net Worth as Primary Credential

Is AI Finally Coming for Your Job? An Update on Our Prior Coverage of Whether AI Is Finally Coming for Your Job

Study Finds Centrist Punditry Effective at Eliminating Patient Belief in Systemic Change

Gnu Approves $6 Million to Fill City's Curb Cuts, Citing Aesthetic Concerns and Pedestrian Phone Use

Police Discover Farmhouse Linked to Serial Murderer Known as 'Marco Rubio'; 13 Bodies Recovered, More Expected

Rat Coalition Firefighters Catch Gnu Woman in Trampoline After City Eliminates Last Human Position in April

Just Spiders Is Still Open, Still Selling, and Would Like to Clarify a Few Things

The Name Wasn't an Accident. You Were the Experiment.

CryptoPlus: Your Wealth Is Real, And We Have Chosen to Leave It There

The Lord: Still Here, Still Not Clarifying

Deluca-Firth Wedding Held at Newton's Fig, No One Cares

Fendrick-Oliaro Wedding Announced in Newspaper, No One Cares

Randall Coupe, Groundskeeper, 54, Dead After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter Thiel

Herbert 'Herby Feta' Feta, Jazz Pianist, 96

James McHenry, Carpenter, 58, Died While Being Hunted For Sport By Peter Thiel

More in The News

Rat Coalition Codifies Self-Identification Bathroom Access; 'Not Sure What The Big Deal Was'

You're Going to Keep Buying Our Oil, and We All Know It.

Just Spiders Has What You Need — And It Is Spiders

109th Annual Purge Concludes; Peter Thiel Wins Again With a Record 34 Kills

Peter Thiel Dressed in Victim's Skin Orders Uva Latte at Gnu Starbucks; Baristas Note Loyalty Points Did Not Transfer

Healthy Teeth Are an Investment. Dentin Collective Is Here to Cash You Out.

Three stories. Every Monday.