Capitalism, the dominant economic system of the Western world and the organizing principle of New Newmanton's commercial district, died this week at the age of approximately 250 following what physicians described as a prolonged degenerative illness brought on by a series of self-administered policy interventions beginning in the early 1980s. It was survived by its estate, which is currently held in trust by a private equity firm that has not disclosed its intentions but has given itself eighteen months.

Capitalism had been in declining health since 1981, when it began an aggressive course of treatment involving deregulation, union dissolution, and the offshore migration of its core productive organs. Early results were described as promising by the treating consultants, several of whom later accepted positions at the institutions they had regulated. By the 1990s, the patient had shed the majority of its manufacturing capacity, which was characterized at the time as a necessary restructuring. By the 2010s, it had shed the majority of its middle class, which was characterized at the time as a skills-development opportunity.

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Capitalism is survived by an asset class known as shareholder value; by the Agility Lattice, a seven-tier motivational framework for those who could not attend the funeral because they were working a second shift; and by Consolidated Finality Partners LLC, which issued a one-sentence statement expressing that it "looks forward to a productive and terminal relationship" with the deceased's remaining holdings.

A memorial service is planned for Founders' Square, pending resolution of the ongoing jurisdictional dispute over the Third Street sinkhole, which Public Works Director Alan Marsh confirmed is still being monitored. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that mourners consider the possibility that the system rewards those who learn to navigate it, and that awareness of structural barriers is itself the first step to overcoming them. Services will be held at a date to be determined.