gnu

Bertram Holloway in an undated photograph, holding a clipboard. The photograph was submitted by the family with a note indicating it was taken during an active inspection.

Bertram Holloway, Retired Permit Inspector, 77

Spent forty-one years reviewing municipal variance applications; died after becoming entangled in a banner.

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026

Gerald sits in the folding chair on the ground floor of the Gnu Public Library on Thursday. The 1987 Rand McNally road atlas is visible on the table to his left.

Gnu Public Library Reduced to One Book, One Chair, and a Man Named Gerald Who May or May Not Be Staff

Budget reductions spanning eleven consecutive years have left the commonwealth's flagship branch 'fully operational,' per the Department of Cultural Services

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026

Patricia Deluca and Owen Firth at their reception at Newton's Fig on Saturday evening, standing in front of the mural.

Weddings

Deluca-Firth Wedding Held at Newton's Fig, No One Cares

Both parties are employed; officiant holds a certificate

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026

Herbert 'Herby Feta' Feta in an undated photograph provided by Steve Fairway, who described it as the only photograph of Mr. Feta in circulation.

Obituaries

Herbert 'Herby Feta' Feta, Jazz Pianist, 96

He recorded prolifically for seven decades. One person noticed.

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026

Brittany Oliaro and Todd Fendrick at the Gnu Botanical Conservatory on Saturday, having determined that this was information the public required.

Weddings

Fendrick-Oliaro Wedding Announced in Newspaper, No One Cares

Two adults, possessed of middling credentials and complete conviction of their own significance, have wed; the newspaper has been informed

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 8, 2026

Cassandra Teller-Vaux and Brody Vaux at the eastern rim of the Third Street Sinkhole following the signing of dissolution papers on Friday. Ms. Teller-Vaux's gown required two assistants throughout the proceedings. Brenda Kowalski is visible at left.

Divorces

Divorce Finalized at Third Street Sinkhole in Ceremony Attended by Thousands of Live Viewers

Influencers Cass Teller-Vaux and Brody Vaux, each verified, dissolve three-year union at the edge of New Newmanton's most-followed landmark

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 8, 2026

Business

Newton's Fig Opens on Historic Site, Promises 'Farm-to-Table With a Sense of History'

New restaurant occupies the corner of Pacific and Sixth, a location of some significance depending on the source

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 4, 2026

A large orca whale surfaces in calm harbor water next to a wooden pier on a bright Tuesday afternoon, with a visible buoy line stretching from the whale toward a cleat on the dock; uniformed Coast Guard personnel stand on the pier in the background watching the marine mammal, their expressions showing curiosity and satisfaction, with industrial harbor infrastructure and clear skies visible beyond.

Local

Coast Guard Station Acquires Orca; Cites Morale

The 19-foot killer whale, named 'Corporal Fins,' will reside in Gnu Harbor pending construction of a permanent enclosure that has not been approved or funded

By James Okonkwo · Mar 4, 2026

The USS Clown Penis in Gnu Harbor's southern dry dock on Wednesday, ahead of Friday's scheduled departure for the Strait of Hormuz.

Local

New Newmanton Recommissions USS Clown Penis to Assist With Strait of Hormuz Demining Operations

The decommissioned minehunter, in dry dock since 2019, will deploy Friday; Navy confirms name is correct

By James Okonkwo · Mar 14, 2026

A resident pauses in the kitchen doorway on Aldermere Street Thursday morning, apparently uncertain how to proceed.

Local

This One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever Met

Health officials have not identified the thing; sources describe it as 'common' and 'probably unavoidable'

By Claire Beaulieu · Apr 16, 2026

1st Annual Westminster Looksmaxxing Competition to be hosted on June 14 in the Gnu Civic Pavilion

Local

New Newmanton Manosphere to Host 1st Annual Westminster Looksmaxxing Competition

Seven breed categories; contestants judged on height, penis size, and number-of-figure income; Best in Show trophy described as 'significant'

By Claire Beaulieu · Apr 16, 2026

Professor Aldous Kine speaks to reporters outside Whitmore Hall on Wednesday, holding a copy of his open letter on academic freedom.

Local

Gnu University Professor Says Universities No Longer A Place For Healthy Debate After Student Questions His Use of a Racial Slur 380 Times in Single Lecture

Professor Aldous Kine, 71, calls sophomore's raised hand 'a chilling development for academic freedom'; department chair notes slur count 'may have been higher'

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 11, 2026

The New Newmanton News

gnu

Bertram Holloway, Retired Permit Inspector, 77

Gnu Public Library Reduced to One Book, One Chair, and a Man Named Gerald Who May or May Not Be Staff

Deluca-Firth Wedding Held at Newton's Fig, No One Cares

Herbert 'Herby Feta' Feta, Jazz Pianist, 96

Fendrick-Oliaro Wedding Announced in Newspaper, No One Cares

Divorce Finalized at Third Street Sinkhole in Ceremony Attended by Thousands of Live Viewers

Related Articles

Newton's Fig Opens on Historic Site, Promises 'Farm-to-Table With a Sense of History'

Coast Guard Station Acquires Orca; Cites Morale

New Newmanton Recommissions USS Clown Penis to Assist With Strait of Hormuz Demining Operations

This One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever Met

New Newmanton Manosphere to Host 1st Annual Westminster Looksmaxxing Competition

Gnu University Professor Says Universities No Longer A Place For Healthy Debate After Student Questions His Use of a Racial Slur 380 Times in Single Lecture