woke mind virus

53 Employed, Another 33 Receive Universal Healthcare After Fresh Outbreak of Woke Mind Virus

Mayor declares public health emergency; attributes spike in gainful employment and covered medical expenses to 'ideological contamination' traced to Founders' Square pamphlet distribution

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 9, 2026

A resident pauses in the kitchen doorway on Aldermere Street Thursday morning, apparently uncertain how to proceed.

Local

This One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever Met

Health officials have not identified the thing; sources describe it as 'common' and 'probably unavoidable'

By Claire Beaulieu · Apr 16, 2026

A stock image of a man in athletic wear staring at a sunrise, available royalty-free from a vendor whose terms of service contain fourteen pages of arbitration clauses.

Business

Billionaires Do These 5 Things Every Day, Meaning These 5 Things Done Every Day Guarantee Wealth

A TNNN Business Desk investigation reveals the daily habits separating the demi-wealthy from the merely disciplined

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 7, 2026

The NNNN banner depicting Bari Weiss blindfolded and holding scales of justice is lowered into the Third Street Sinkhole during Monday's acquisition announcement, as residents in lawn chairs look on.

News

NNNN Acquired by Ellison; New Headquarters to Open at Third Street Sinkhole

Bari Weiss named editor in chief; network logo to feature blindfolded Weiss holding scales of justice 'in the tradition of journalistic courage'

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 4, 2026

Close-up, slightly overhead shot of a few loose-leaf notebook pages spread on a worn school desk, filled edge-to-edge with dense teenage handwriting in multiple ink colors, featuring a rough hand-drawn map of an island with coastline details and a naval base sketched in the north, alongside a hand-drawn timeline with an arrow stretching back toward a label at the far left — soft overcast light filtering through a classroom window illuminates the pages, pencil smudges and correction marks visible throughout, the margins crowded with annotations and small doodles.

Local

School Board Moves to Suppress Unauthorized Third Curriculum Assembled by Students from Traded Notes

Hybrid history document, described as 'alarmingly coherent,' circulating among seventh and eighth graders at Founders' Memorial High School

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 4, 2026

Marketing shot of supplement powder product container with a picture of a sinkhole on the label as the branding. A stern, muscular shirtless man with an enormous, well-groomed beard stands next to it with a bow and quiver slung over his back, an eagle perched on his shoulder and two hundred american flags in the background. He is soaking wet, for some reason.

Local

Influencer Markets Sinkhole Dirt as Cure for 'Learned Male Submissiveness'; Product Ships Nationwide

Third Street soil, described by Public Works as 'of uncertain composition,' now available in capsule form at $34.99 per month

By James Okonkwo · Mar 4, 2026

A framed photograph of Theodore Wambolt at the Meridian Assurance Group holiday party, 2022, displayed in the office lobby on Monday.

Obituaries

Theodore 'Ted' Wambolt, 46, Claims Adjuster Dies After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter Thiel

Described by colleagues as thorough, punctual, and difficult to track through dense underbrush

By Philippa Trask · Mar 8, 2026

The New Newmanton News

woke mind virus

53 Employed, Another 33 Receive Universal Healthcare After Fresh Outbreak of Woke Mind Virus

Related Articles

This One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever Met

Billionaires Do These 5 Things Every Day, Meaning These 5 Things Done Every Day Guarantee Wealth

NNNN Acquired by Ellison; New Headquarters to Open at Third Street Sinkhole

School Board Moves to Suppress Unauthorized Third Curriculum Assembled by Students from Traded Notes

Influencer Markets Sinkhole Dirt as Cure for 'Learned Male Submissiveness'; Product Ships Nationwide

Theodore 'Ted' Wambolt, 46, Claims Adjuster Dies After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter Thiel