WeddingsDeluca-Firth Wedding Held at Newton's Fig, No One CaresBoth parties are employed; officiant holds a certificateBy Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026
WeddingsFendrick-Oliaro Wedding Announced in Newspaper, No One CaresTwo adults, possessed of middling credentials and complete conviction of their own significance, have wed; the newspaper has been informedBy Claire Beaulieu · Mar 8, 2026
DivorcesDivorce Finalized at Third Street Sinkhole in Ceremony Attended by Thousands of Live ViewersInfluencers Cass Teller-Vaux and Brody Vaux, each verified, dissolve three-year union at the edge of New Newmanton's most-followed landmarkBy Claire Beaulieu · Mar 8, 2026
LocalNew Newmanton Manosphere to Host 1st Annual Westminster Looksmaxxing CompetitionSeven breed categories; contestants judged on height, penis size, and number-of-figure income; Best in Show trophy described as 'significant'By Claire Beaulieu · Apr 16, 2026
ObituariesBertram Holloway, Retired Permit Inspector, 77Spent forty-one years reviewing municipal variance applications; died after becoming entangled in a banner.By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026
ObituariesTheodore 'Ted' Wambolt, 46, Claims Adjuster Dies After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter ThielDescribed by colleagues as thorough, punctual, and difficult to track through dense underbrushBy Philippa Trask · Mar 8, 2026
ObituariesJames McHenry, Carpenter, 58, Died While Being Hunted For Sport By Peter ThielDied Thursday after being pursued on foot across the northern headlands by Peter Thiel; survived by his wife, two children, and an unfinished deck.By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 9, 2026
NewsCity Council Votes to Rename Liberation Day for Seventh Consecutive YearNew designation 'Heritage Observance Day' satisfies no one; mayor declares 'total victory for the people'By Margaret Huang · Mar 4, 2026
