health

Health Department Issues Childhood Obesity Guidelines: 'Be Born Thin, Free of Disability and Stay That Way Until You Die'

State nutritionists say the seven-word directive 'covers the full continuum of preventive care'; implementation timeline not yet determined

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 6, 2026

A resident pauses in the kitchen doorway on Aldermere Street Thursday morning, apparently uncertain how to proceed.

Local

This One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever Met

Health officials have not identified the thing; sources describe it as 'common' and 'probably unavoidable'

By Claire Beaulieu · Apr 16, 2026

A stack of Gnu Nation Cultural Council pamphlets outside the Cultural Council offices on Wednesday, as the Woke Mind Virus outbreak entered its fifth day.

Local

53 Employed, Another 33 Receive Universal Healthcare After Fresh Outbreak of Woke Mind Virus

Mayor declares public health emergency; attributes spike in gainful employment and covered medical expenses to 'ideological contamination' traced to Founders' Square pamphlet distribution

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 9, 2026

A frame from the 47-second video posted Tuesday by Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., showing him mid-stroke in the Strait of Hormuz. A vessel is visible in the background.

News

RFK Jr. Posts Video of Self Swimming in Strait of Hormuz

Health secretary calls the swim 'a personal wellness choice'; three tankers struck by missiles during filming

By James Okonkwo · Mar 12, 2026

A stock image of a man in athletic wear staring at a sunrise, available royalty-free from a vendor whose terms of service contain fourteen pages of arbitration clauses.

Business

Billionaires Do These 5 Things Every Day, Meaning These 5 Things Done Every Day Guarantee Wealth

A TNNN Business Desk investigation reveals the daily habits separating the demi-wealthy from the merely disciplined

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 7, 2026

A fuel pump at the Gnu Harbor Marina displays updated pricing on Tuesday.

Opinion

Are High Oil Prices a Good Thing?

I know how that sounds. I'm asking anyway.

By Victoria Ashford-Cross · Mar 19, 2026

Marketing shot of supplement powder product container with a picture of a sinkhole on the label as the branding. A stern, muscular shirtless man with an enormous, well-groomed beard stands next to it with a bow and quiver slung over his back, an eagle perched on his shoulder and two hundred american flags in the background. He is soaking wet, for some reason.

Local

Influencer Markets Sinkhole Dirt as Cure for 'Learned Male Submissiveness'; Product Ships Nationwide

Third Street soil, described by Public Works as 'of uncertain composition,' now available in capsule form at $34.99 per month

By James Okonkwo · Mar 4, 2026

The New Newmanton News

health

Health Department Issues Childhood Obesity Guidelines: 'Be Born Thin, Free of Disability and Stay That Way Until You Die'

Related Articles

This One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever Met

53 Employed, Another 33 Receive Universal Healthcare After Fresh Outbreak of Woke Mind Virus

RFK Jr. Posts Video of Self Swimming in Strait of Hormuz

Billionaires Do These 5 Things Every Day, Meaning These 5 Things Done Every Day Guarantee Wealth

Are High Oil Prices a Good Thing?

Influencer Markets Sinkhole Dirt as Cure for 'Learned Male Submissiveness'; Product Ships Nationwide