Department of Health and Human Services

News

Health Department Issues Childhood Obesity Guidelines: 'Be Born Thin, Free of Disability and Stay That Way Until You Die'

State nutritionists say the seven-word directive 'covers the full continuum of preventive care'; implementation timeline not yet determined

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 6, 2026

Local

53 Employed, Another 33 Receive Universal Healthcare After Fresh Outbreak of Woke Mind Virus

Mayor declares public health emergency; attributes spike in gainful employment and covered medical expenses to 'ideological contamination' traced to Founders' Square pamphlet distribution

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 9, 2026

News

Gnu Harbor Naval Base Announces $2.3B Expansion; Mayor Takes Credit, Demands More

Largest offshore military installation to add three facilities, 4,000 personnel. Reeves calls environmental review request 'anti-prosperity sabotage.'

By James Okonkwo · Mar 4, 2026

Opinion

We Must Appoint DHS Deputy Secretary Mancho to Undo the Damage Done by Noem.

A reasonable case for DHS Deputy Secretary Mancho, who, at least, logically offsets Noem's tenure.

By Desmond Fairley · Mar 6, 2026

Local

This One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever Met

Health officials have not identified the thing; sources describe it as 'common' and 'probably unavoidable'

By Claire Beaulieu · Apr 16, 2026

News

RFK Jr. Posts Video of Self Swimming in Strait of Hormuz

Health secretary calls the swim 'a personal wellness choice'; three tankers struck by missiles during filming

By James Okonkwo · Mar 12, 2026

News

U.S. Completely Obliterates Iran Nuclear Weapons Program for 12th Consecutive Day

Pentagon confirms total, comprehensive destruction of program it also completely destroyed on days 1 through 11; officials describe results as 'consistent'

By James Okonkwo · Mar 9, 2026