Pentagon

Rear Admiral Christine Yeoh speaks at a press availability at Gnu Harbor Naval Base on Tuesday, confirming that the base is supporting 'operational requirements' without specifying what those requirements are.

U.S. Completely Obliterates Iran Nuclear Weapons Program for 12th Consecutive Day

Pentagon confirms total, comprehensive destruction of program it also completely destroyed on days 1 through 11; officials describe results as 'consistent'

By James Okonkwo · Mar 9, 2026

An aerial view of Gnu Harbor Naval Base, which currently occupies 40% of the island's northern coastline.

News

Gnu Harbor Naval Base Announces $2.3B Expansion; Mayor Takes Credit, Demands More

Largest offshore military installation to add three facilities, 4,000 personnel. Reeves calls environmental review request 'anti-prosperity sabotage.'

By James Okonkwo · Mar 4, 2026

The USS Clown Penis in Gnu Harbor's southern dry dock on Wednesday, ahead of Friday's scheduled departure for the Strait of Hormuz.

Local

New Newmanton Recommissions USS Clown Penis to Assist With Strait of Hormuz Demining Operations

The decommissioned minehunter, in dry dock since 2019, will deploy Friday; Navy confirms name is correct

By James Okonkwo · Mar 14, 2026

A frame from the 47-second video posted Tuesday by Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., showing him mid-stroke in the Strait of Hormuz. A vessel is visible in the background.

News

RFK Jr. Posts Video of Self Swimming in Strait of Hormuz

Health secretary calls the swim 'a personal wellness choice'; three tankers struck by missiles during filming

By James Okonkwo · Mar 12, 2026

A flock of Trash Penguins stands on the northeastern edge of Trash Island on Wednesday as a surveying crew prepares to establish grade lines for the proposed Drift Point Commons development.

Local

Developer to Break Ground on Trash Island Mega-Mall; Resident Penguin Colony to Be Billed Monthly

Consolidated Finality Partners LLC subsidiary announces 1.2 million square feet of retail and 340 luxury units on floating debris mass; Paris Climate Accord commitment described as 'fully intact, essentially'

By Margaret Huang · Mar 19, 2026

A copy of Tuesday's federal press release, partially retracted, posted to the bulletin board outside Gnu Harbor Naval Base.

Opinion

Whatever the Reason, We Declared War on Iran for the Right Reason

The administration's explanations may be contradictory, incomplete, and occasionally incoherent. That is not the point.

By Graham Holt · Mar 7, 2026

Mayor Clifton Reeves stands in front of the bronze Newton statue in Founders' Square on an overcast afternoon, holding a laminated map of the island with a large red x over the entire island while speaking to a small gathered press corps. His expression is tense and guarded as he gestures toward the map without releasing it, reporters with notepads and cameras positioned around him. Gray clouds hang low over the square's brick pavement behind him, and the statue looms slightly out of focus in the background.

News

Commonwealth Reportedly in Discussions With Corporate Buyer Over 'Complete and Total Destruction' of New Newmanton

Officials decline to confirm or deny terms; Mayor Reeves calls offer 'tremendous' and credits his administration for attracting interest

By James Okonkwo · Mar 4, 2026

The New Newmanton News

Pentagon

U.S. Completely Obliterates Iran Nuclear Weapons Program for 12th Consecutive Day

Related Articles

Gnu Harbor Naval Base Announces $2.3B Expansion; Mayor Takes Credit, Demands More

New Newmanton Recommissions USS Clown Penis to Assist With Strait of Hormuz Demining Operations

RFK Jr. Posts Video of Self Swimming in Strait of Hormuz

Developer to Break Ground on Trash Island Mega-Mall; Resident Penguin Colony to Be Billed Monthly

Whatever the Reason, We Declared War on Iran for the Right Reason

Commonwealth Reportedly in Discussions With Corporate Buyer Over 'Complete and Total Destruction' of New Newmanton